Q and A with Ms. Stewart

Once again...here are my random thoughts about a question posed to me in an email from my mostly cyber friend Carla...

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

...to ANNOY!!!

"Picture this...Sicicly...1942..."oops...I was channeling my inner Sophia from Golden Girls there for a sec...pardon me...

Now, let me channel my inner "home gurl" and start over again...

This is called "Oh no she di'int..."
Please note...the names have been changed to protect the annoying.

It all went down a little sumtin like this...

Me: "Good Morning...How you doin'?"

Her: "Gurrlll...I'm a'ight...how you doin'?

Me: "I can't complain...can't complain"

Her: "Gurrrrlll...I been tryin to get this thing to work for the last fi'teen minutes...and I just can't make it work...You think you can?"

Me: (thinking to myself) "Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here??...Can't she see that I am busy too?? Who she think I am??? She must not know 'bout me...she must not know 'bout me..."

Her: "Gurrrll...you know you heard me...you gone help me or what??"

Me: (to myself) "...or what!"

Me: "Ok...what chu need me to do??"

Her: "Well...I been tryin' to make these copies for the last 15 minutes and I can't get the copier to work...and I can't figure out why. Can you help me?

Me: (to myelf) "Ok...am I being punked...where is Ashton? He is so CUTE...I LOVE, LOVE, LOVED him in What Happens In Vegas. Did him and Demi get married? Isn't she like old enough to be his mama? How hard can it be to push "COPY?""

Her: "You hear me...Gurrl you gone help me or not?? I KNOW YOU HEAR ME TALKIN' TO YOU!!!

Me: (to myself) "Oh NO she di'int...Who she think she talkin' to?? She the dummy who can't use a copy machine, not me...so why she yellin' at me? (quick prayer: Dear Lord, please keep me from goin' off right now...I know you said "...as much lieth in you, live peaceably with all men....but Lord, this WOMAN is working my LAST nerve. PLEASE give me the wisdom to deal with this situation.~amen)

Her: (with noticable attitude) "If you don't wanna help me just say so...You know I CAN ASK somebody else..."

Me: (to myself) "Good luck with that...Don't let me stop you!"

Me: "Ok...Sorry...Calm down...But, before I put all of this stuff down...1. Is there paper in it??

Her: (with more attitude) "Paper...How am I posed to know that? Where the paper go?

Me: (to myself) "St. Matthew, St. Mark, St. Luke...Calm down girl...don't let the devil steal your joy..."

Me: "Pull out the paper tray and look inside...is there paper in there?"

Her: "I think that look like paper...Shoot...my back hurt...I ain't bending down there...I think I see some paper."

Me: (to myself) "...St. John, The Acts, Romans..."

Me: "Ok close the paper drawer. Now check and make sure that the front door of the copier is closed...Is it closed??

Her: "I don't know...It look closed...How can I tell if it is??

Me: (to myself) "Hail Mary Mother of God it has been 38 years since my last confession..." (now you know that it is reaching critical mass, 'cause I ain't even Catholic...)

Me: (channeling my sweetest, least condescending voice EVER) "Well...to be safe, why don't you open it and close it again to make sure. Grab the red handle by the slot where the papers come out and pull it toward you."

Her: (one step away from critical mass herself) "You must think I'm stupid...I know how to open it and close it...IT AIN'T ROCKET SCIENCE!!

Me: (to myself) OH NO SHE DI'INT...she has got some nerve getting testy with me...I'm tryin' to help her...NOT the other way around!! Let me put this stuff down and go over to this copier...before I SNAP and say something that I might (or might not) regret. (quick prayer: Lord, You know that I am rapidly running out of patience with this situation, Lord please...You know me and You know my "crap quotient." I wanna do what's right and be a good example of You...uggghhh...~amen)

Me: "Sorry...let me put this stuff down, I'll be right over there...

Me: (to myself as I am putting down the 400 pounds of paper that I have been holding througout this exchange) "This thing must really be broke...Her checked the paper...Her checked the door...while no one was looking...I kicked it twice...It finally bit the dust!! There wont be much I can do about it, but I'm gonna try..."

By now, Her has backed away from the copier and is focusing on her manicure while I am struggling to empty my hands so that I can fix the copier for Her. Not once has Her offered to help me! As I approach the copier...I have a thought, which I quickly remove from my mind...'cause it can't be...there is NOOOO way...not ever in a million years that...No, it's so RIDICULOUS that I wont even mention it...

As I approach the copier, I can see the problem as plain as the nose on Her face...It is unplugged!! Not only is it unplugged...the plug head is sitting right next to the "copy" button. My first thought is "OH NO SHE DI'INT just waste 15 minutes of my life that I will NEVER be able to get back over this foolishness!" Guess who is fuming mad....I just wasted 15 minutes trying to help one of the "others." I did what I was supposed to do..I helped! And Her did EXACTLY what she was supposed to do...ANNOY.

Have any of you had a similar situation that you would like to share?? I'm all ears...

~Quita